The Eragon Talk Show
by cyberwolf971
Summary: First chapter, Galbtorix had a break down, I speak my mind about arya and Eragon learns about his fanclub. this story should have frequent updates, if I dodn't update often, please message me
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon

(Audience clapping)

"Hello and welcome to my talk show." Cyberwolf waved at the crowd enthusiastically. "If you haven't already guessed, I'm your host. Alright let's got to our first victim, opps, I mean guest. Everybody give it up for Galbatorix!"

(Audience boos)

"Come take a seat Galbatorix, I'm sure the audience would love to hear what you have to say."

(Audience starts throwing trash and rotten tomatoes)

"You insolent fools! Do you know who I am?" Galbatorix raged as he dodged the flying objects. "I am Galbatorix, the evil dictator king!"

"You bring up a good point Galbatorix." Cyberwolf watched as he dodged some of the larger objects such as office chairs. "Why are you evil? We all know that you lost your first dragon, but was there something else? Could it be that you had a bad childhood or maybe someone important to you died when you were a kid? If there was anything of that sort could you tell us now, it may stop the audience from throwing things at you."

"Well…" Galbatorix sat down. "It all started when I was three-"

We interrupt this program to bring you a test of the emergency broadcast system.

"- And mommy never loved me again!" The show was back and Galbatorix was sobbing on the floor.

"Okay…" Cyberwolf pulled out a two way radio. "Could we get a therapist up here? Yeah, uh-huh…Thanks." Turns off two way radio. "Okay now that Galbatorix is…err… being taken care off, let's bring out our next two guests. Everybody give a warm welcome to everyone's favorite never going to happen couple, Arya and Eragon!"

"You mean to say that people actually want me to be with Eragon?" A look of disgust had fallen on Arya's face.

"Why wouldn't you want to be with me, I'm the main character, the first book is named after me, and I saved your life!" Eragon listed off the reasons why Arya should be with him.

"This is the time that I'm going to tell what my opinions of you are." Cyberwolf had moved to stand in front of the arguing pair. "Arya, I don't like you, your personality is ice cold and you're too perfect. Eragon, you can do much better than Arya…"

"You…you…you bitch!" Arya's face had turned bright red with anger.

"Yeah, I'm a bitch, and I'm damn proud of it too!" Cyberwolf though giving Arya a death glare, found it very hard to intimidating because Arya was about a foot taller than her. (AN/ in real life I'm a bitch and proud of it, and I'm also short)

Suddenly a large mass of people began making their way through the crowd towards the stage.

"Is it Galbatorix's army?" Eragon looked wildly around for a sword, because he no longer had Zar'roc.

Cyberwolf looked over the crowd and gasped. "It's worse Eragon, much worse, it's your fanclub."

(Dramatic theme music)

End of Chapter

Cyberwolf: Please tell me if you liked it so I can write more. Well, until my next chapter, review, review, review!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon

"What's a fan club?" Eragon asked while watching the large group of people, who were his 'fan club', get even closer to the stage.

"Oh, you'll find out soon Eragon." Cyberwolf tried to hide a smirk. "You'll find out soon."

The first few fangirls had made their way onto the stage; their eyes were full of genuine worship. After a few minutes of standing there the rest of the fangirls had made their way onto the stage. Then all of the fangirls screamed and ran at Eragon, who, in turn, ran away.

"Cyber do something! This is your show isn't it?" Eragon yelled as one of the fangirls latched herself onto his legs. "It's times like this that I wish that Saphira wasn't in Vegas!" (AN/ See my other fic 'Random Events of a Random Occurrence')

Murtagh walked in with Thorn, muttering something about Galbatorix needing to be picked up from therapy. Cyberwolf was just about to call security when she saw them, and then she started running towards them.

"Oh crap!" Murtagh shouted when he saw Cyberwolf. "Not another fangirl!" (AN/ See my other fic 'when fangirls attack')

Cyberwolf however, didn't even notice Murtagh as she ran past him and wrapped her arms around Thorn's neck. "Thorn!"

"Wa-wait a minute, she was running for Thorn? Not me?" Murtagh was very confused at the moment.

_Ha ha you're just jealous because I got the girl. Wait, she's human, this is a big problem…_

Murtagh sighed at Thorn's empty mindedness, unfortunately for him, Cyberwolf heard him and turned around and tackled him with a hug. "Murtagh!"

-Back with Arya and Eragon-

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Get them off of me!" Eragon's voice was heard coming from, underneath a large pile of fangirls. "Arya, please, be my mercy angel!"

Arya was still in shock over what Cyberwolf had said to her, so she made no move to help Eragon.

-Back to Cyberwolf and Murtagh-

"Run away!" Cyberwolf was being chased by a Zar'roc wielding Murtagh.

"I'm so sick of you stupid fangirls and I'm finally going to kill one of you rabid preppy fangirls!" Murtagh had finally cracked after being talking one too many fangirls today…

Cyberwolf skidded to a stop and spoke in a very scary voice. "Don't you ever call me or any other self respecting Murtagh fangirl a prep, no prep would have ever taken the time to read a book with more than two pages! You have forced me to do something that I really didn't want to have to do but… Security!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Murtagh was then talked to the ground by about ten dwarves. After taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down. "I really need to get my temper under control (AN/ Yes that is true many people have told me to get anger management…) We will be right back after this commercial message."

New Inventions by Blondes:  
The water-proof towel  
Glow in the dark sunglasses  
Solar powered flashlights  
Submarine screen doors  
A book on how to read  
Inflatable dart boards  
A dictionary index  
Powdered water  
Pedal powered wheel chairs  
Water proof tea bags  
Watermelon seed sorter  
Zero proof alchohol  
Reusable ice cubes  
See through tiolet tissue  
Skinless bananas  
Do it yourself roadmap  
Helicopter ejector seat

(AN/ I have the right to post this for I am blonde, couldn't you tell?)

"And we're back! While Murtagh is being …err… restrained – cut to scene with Murtagh struggling against dwarves- we'll move on to our next guest. Just back from Vegas ladies and gentlemen, give a warm welcome to Saphira!" The large blue dragon walked unsteadily onto the stage next to Cyberwolf. "She appears to be drunk. Hey that gives me an idea, let's see how many practice targets Saphira can hit while drunk! You got that, right Saphira? Practice targets and all that?"

_Yer a practice target? All right. _Saphira unleashed a large torrent of flame at Cyberwolf, who, luckily dodged most of it, but the back of her shirt caught on fire.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh! Fire! Fire! Fire! I'm on fire!" Cyberwolf was running around in circles screaming her head off. Murtagh, who had escaped the dwarves, was laughing up until the point when Cyber ran into him and set him on fire too.

Cyberwolf suddenly remembers to stop, drop, and roll, putting out the fire that somehow didn't burn her, go figure. Murtagh seeing Cyber no longer on fire try's to do the same thing, but he rolls onto a conveniently place bottle of lighter fluid which catches fire as well and blows up.

Cyberwolf pulls out her, amazing unburned two way radio. "Hey can we call an ambulance? Yes I know that this is the third time this week! No it's not my fault! Okay so maybe it is, but can we just call the damned ambulance already?"

**End Chapter**

Cyberwolf: Sorry! Gomen! Es tut mir leid! Okay I just apologized in English, Japanese, and German for not updating. I got in a fight at school and was grounded, but the good news is that I kicked that bitchy prep's ass (which might be the reason I was grounded so long…) and I'm no longer grounded! But you are most likely wondering a few things like, will Murtagh be okay? Is Cyberwolf on drugs? Did I leave the oven on? And what the hell happened to Eragon? I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can and once again sorry for not updating. Please review! (Yes I really hate preps, they exist only to make my life a living nightmare…)


	3. Chapter 3

Cyberwolf: I am wonderful. I am Spectacular. I am… a total ass for not updating. Here is the part where you expect to hear "My dog died and I was way too sad." Or "I broke every finger in both of my hands." Or some excuse like that, but honestly speaking folks, I'm really just a lazy ass. But enough of my rambling apologies, you people are here to read a fic so here it is! (I don't own Eragon Shoves Murtagh into the closet)

"Well, while Murtagh is in the hospital let's bring out our next guest!" Cyberwolf threw her-self out of center stage dramatically. "He's supposed to be dead but he's not everybody welcome Durza!"

A column of black smoke erupted from the center of the stage and a voice boomed. "FOOLISH MORTAL!!! YOU DARE TO CALL ME! THE RULER OF ALL DARKNESS-"

Durza's evil and terrifying rant would have continued had Saphira not finally passed out from being drunk and landed right on top of everybody's favorite shade.

"Okay then, that was really unfortunate… Moving on!" Cyber said brightly and turned back to audience. "Let's get the next guest out while the support team tries to get Saphira off of Durza. Put your hands together for Roran Stronghammer!"

The audience applauded but no one new came out onto the stage; Eragon's fangirl induced screams were heard in the distance.

"Errr… Roran Stronghammer!" Cyberwolf glanced around quickly and pulled out her two-way radio. "Where is he? What do you mean that he's lost in the basement?" No, I don't know how he got there, you tell me!" Fine, send a search party down there before the Thing gets him."

-In the basement-

"Umm… Hello?" Roran Peered through the darkness. "Is anyone there?"

-Back on stage-

"Okay, since I fired the search party last week for trying to steal Mr. Fluffy, my rabid pet beaver, we will have to go down into the basement to find Roran ourselves. Eragon, pay attention, this is your cousin that we're trying to save!" Cyberwolf snapped at Eragon while holding a snarling beaver.

"I know that, but will some one please get these fangirls off of me, it feels as though they've been attacking me for months on end."

"Oh right…hmmm…Hey look everybody, it's Orlando Bloom!" (If this has insulted any Orlando Bloom fans I'm sorry)

The fangirls all jumped off of Eragon in a split second and raced of in the direction that Cyber was pointing.

"Thank God! I thought that nothing would ever get them off, wait! Orlando Bloom! Where, where, whe-" Eragon was cut short by Murtagh punching him in the back of the head.

"Murtagh, your back!" Cyber prepared to glomp Murtagh but before she could do so, another voice sounded.

"Murtagh is only here to do one thing, and that is to help me get my revenge on you." Galbatorix stepped ominously out of the refrigerator.

"Yeah, yeah, Galby maybe later, but right now we must go find Roran in the basement, who knows what might happen to him if the Thing finds him. Alright! To the basement!" Cyber yelled over enthusiastically. She then threw open a door right next to them. "Welcome to the basement."

-End of Chapter-

Cyberwolf: Okay I promise, God smite me if I don't, that I will update within a week. Until then, feel free to rain reviews, cookies, and poisoned darts down upon me. Until next time good-bye my sugar-coated marshmallows- opps, I mean peeps!


	4. Chapter 4

**Cyberwolf: I'm so sorry people, for not updating and for those of you who are wondering God did in fact smite me and I'm posting this from hell. But the real reason is my parents took my laptop away, they took my baby away, can you believe it? But any way I've got my laptop back and I made a deal with good that if I get this chapter up I can leave hell. So I don't own Eragon.**

"Wow this is your basement? It's huge, you could fit the entire Spine in here." Eragon marveled.

"Your think so, but I need to expand again because of the pirate ship that I just ordered." Cyberwolf then jumped on top of a burnt platform. "Okay we are here to do one thing and one thing only, we have to find Roran before the Thing finds him. So everyone pick a direction and get moving." Cyber started walking off towards the destroyed stage equipment.

"What about this Thing that you keep talking about?" Durza asked.

"Oh, that, well you will know it when you see it, trust me… It is that notice able."

"What should we do if we run into the Thing?"

"That's an easy one, run for your freakin' lives."

"Wait! No! Don't leave me alone on this hell hole that your call a basement!!!" Eragon curled up in a fetal position on the floor.

"I'm embarrassed to be your brother." Murtagh walked off muttering about how stupid this all was.

"I'm embarrassed to be your dragon." Saphira took off in another direction.

A voice was heard in the distance. "I'm embarrassed to be your talk show host!"

"I'm going to go find this Thing and used it to help me in my quest for world domination!!" With a dramatic flourish of his black cape Galbatorix stalked off. (A.N. I've always pictured Galbatorix with a black cape so yeah…)

Eventually Arya and Durza walked off as well leaving Eragon alone in the hell hole that Cyberwolf called a basement.

Galbatorix was making his way up a mountain of melted tuper wear containers when singing filled the area.

"I love you, you love me."

"Who are you, show yourself!" The confused king yelled drawing his sword.

"We're a happy family."

"Silence!"

"With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you."

"No, stop, please, I'm begging you."

"You can say you love me too."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Cyberwolf was once again on her two way radio. "Becca, I'm lost in your basement."

"Jenny how many times do I have to tell you, while on the show my name is Cyberwolf. And as far as you being lost in the basement goes, just stay where you are."

"Are you coming to get me?"

"No." Cyber turned of her radio. She surveyed the basement from the top of Destroyed Stage Prop Mountain. Suddenly she tripped and went crashing down the side of the mountain and landed on another girl who was standing there.

"Becca! You did come to find me!"

"Damnit."

Durza had found a PS2, a TV, and the Eragon video game all conveniently hooked up in one place.

"Durza! I finally found someone!" Eragon popped randomly. "So you're playing my game, I really kicked your butt in that one. Are you reliving your humiliating defeat?"

"No, I just like to set you on fire." Durza smiled as Game Eragon ran around screaming.

Eragon's eye twitched.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Shut-up Jenny! I don't even know where we are going!"

"Where are we going?"

"Ahhhhgggg!"

"Hey Becca, why are my fingernails bleeding?"

"It's Cyberwolf, and your fingernails are bleeding because God loves you."

Murtagh was walking through a hedge maze that was growing out of the cement floor. A faintly audible sing fell over the area. "Lolly-pop, lolly-pop, oh lolly lolly-pop…"

End Chapter Four

**Cyberwolf: Whoo-hoo!! I'm out of hell!!! Well what do you guys think? The whole fingernails thing was based off of something that happened at my church where my fingernails just randomly started bleeding and my friend said it was because God loved me, go figure. But any way pay attention to the last segment with Murtagh. Who ever can guess who the Thing is gets a cookie. Review please.**


	5. Author's plea

Cyberwolf: Hey guys look, I've got a really serious problem. First, my I can't go two words without spelling something wrong and having to use spell-check. Second, I can't sleep. And finally the most important problem, I have writer's block. Since school is out the insufferable boredom of my math class isn't supplying me with wonderful random ideas, so I need you. Yeah people just like Uncle Sam but I need you more, I need any and all of your wonderful funny ideas, even if you think that they are stupid I'll take 'em.

Please, the more ideas you give, the faster the next chapter goes up. Whoever gives gets a cookie.

P.S. The Thing is my own character, Pomo he was in my fic When Fangirls Attack, but before you yell at me I know, it's my fault that you all thought barney, I shout have put that it wasn't him. Cookies for everyone who tried.

Thank-you, I love you my faithful reveiwers and good night!


	6. Chapter 6

**Cyberwolf: I'm alive(disappointing, I know)! Okay people please don't hate me for not updating for sooooooooooo long but I haven't had internet access for a while, plus I started high school, cut me a break. Well with all that said and done, on with the fic.**

**I don't own Eragon, but I do own Pomo (sadly)**

"Becca I'm bored." Jenny complained as she walked over a pile of discarded sequin suits.

"For the last time, I'm Cyberwolf! And- Hey, is that Galbatorix?" Cyber ran to the base of a mountain made of melted Tupperware containers.

"Make it stop, make the evil singing stop." Galby was curled up in a fetal position on the floor. "I don't love anybody, I'm not in anybody's family, and I will not say I love you!!!"

"What's wrong with him?" Jenny asked while poking Galby with a stick.

"I knew that I made a mistake when I sent Barney down here, I was sure that the Thing would get him, but I guess that some things are just too awful to destroy…" Cyber pulled out her two-way radio. "Okay, do any of you box monkey's have any ideas on how we could get Galbatorix back upstairs with the therapist?.. Don't take that tone with me, I could have you fired so fast…But you said that method was still in testing… Your right, what do I care, go ahead and try it."

"What method was still in testing?"

"Transport by radio controlled squirrels." A large horde of squirrels had worked their way though the basement at record breaking speeds and they stood expectantly in front of Cyberwolf and Jenny. "Okay, take that guy right there to the therapist."

The squirrels swarmed Galbatorix and carried him.

"Now back to our original mission, umm… What was our original mission again?"

"Eragon what are you eating?" Durza looked up from the TV screen to see that Eragon with some white stuff and some black spots on his face.

"I found some spaghetti and meatballs!" Eragon continued to eat happily.

"You moron that's not spaghetti and meatballs," Arya popped up out of nowhere. "Those are spiderwebs and spiders!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" Eragon screamed. "Get them off, get them off, get them off!!!"

Suddenly there was a crack of lightening and a man holding a pink umbrella was standing before them.

"EVERYBODY RUN!!! IT'S THE THING!!!" Cyberwolf was in a full blown panic, confusing everyone even more.

"Now, I command you all, DANCE!" The man raised the umbrella straight in the air and pink dust began to rain down from nowhere.

Five Minutes later

"How can this be happening?" Cyber stared at the scene in front of her. Eragon was spinning in circles singing ring around the rosie, Arya was skipping to the tune of mary had a little lamb, and Murtagh was singing and acting out 'I'm a little tea pot'. Worst of all, Durza had his face pressed against a randomly discarded pane of glass and he was singing. "Shoes. Oh my God shoes."

"Yes, I finally found people!" Cyber spun around to see Roran standing behind her.

"Roran! You're sane!"

"Yes I am, what the hell is going on?"

"No time to explain, just run over there and press that conveniently placed bright red button!" Cyber pointed urgently at button floating several feet away.

Roran ran over a slammed his hand down on the button.

The entire basement, the studio, the therapist, the studio audience, and everything within a ten mile radius of the button was blown up.

**Cyberwolf: That will be the end of the Eragon Talkshow, I kinda ran out of ideas for it, but fear not, I've got a bunch of ideas for a sequel if anybody would read it, it's title will be The Eragon Reality Show. If any of you would read that tell. Thanks to anyone who didn't throw up at my crappy ending. Thanks to those of you who stuck with this story from beginning, to those of you who joined on the middle, and to those of you just reading this for the first time. Thanks to all my reviewers and a special thank you to Spottedstar106 and an anonymous person, you guys helped me finish up this last chapter and I think that the parts you suggested are way funnier than anything I wrote. Thank-you all and get back to me on that sequel, yes or no? **


End file.
